The Monolith Deathcult

The year is 2013... The Old Continent is on the brink of total collapse. After two pyrrhic victories the Fifth French Republic groans under the yoke of Berlin at long last, making once proud France the 17th state of Germany. To secure some hope for a sixth French Republic, the French music label Season of Mist has shown remarkable vigour and artistic courage to forge an alliance with the only triple-A rated band in Europe: The Monolith Deathcult (TMDC). After the release of that pinnacle of human genius, TRIVMVIRATE (2008), TMDC were seen as the only hope to save the metal scene - which had for years been lolling contentedly in a soporific jacuzzi of self-congratulating mediocrity. Analysts immediately doubted the assumption of TMDC as the saviours: it is no secret that this band has dragged down a great number of fellow bands and several music labels in their self-made abyss of misguided arrogance and ineptly concealed musical inanity. TMDC will pile another pinnacle of civilisation on top of that other pinnacle of genius, the unsurpassed TRIVMVIRATE, and this pinnacle-upon-a-pinnacle-CD will be released on the French Season of Mist label; which has announced that it is pleased to have signed the first Death Metal band in its existence. This CD (already tipped as the eighth wonder of the world) will be named TETRAGRAMMATON, and to comply with French law it will include a white flag and a weatherproof set of cards with different translations of the phrase “I surrender”. The term TETRAGRAMMATON (from Greek τετραγράμματον, meaning "[a word] having four letters") refers to the (1) Fourth album of The Monolith Deathcult; (2) in popular culture: name of the God TMDC (Hebrew:לוט מצווה דוד כהן‎) used in the Hebrew Bible, and (3) several uncouth four-letter expletives of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, dementedly shrieked by poor downtrodden humanity as it suffers another day of TMDC not having disbanded and died yet. The band chose this album title because of the triple A in it, to emphasize their major role in the world as we know it and because AAA stands for “PRIME”. As on the exquisite and rabidly fanaticised TRIVMVIRATE, offline band member, quondam carnivore and part-time macrobidiotic Carsten Altena, who had left the sinking TMDC mud barge in 2010 and has returned grovelling, mawkish and regretful with tail between his legs, will gracefully adorn TETRAGRAMMATON with synthetic flutes, harps, triangles, Tibetan mouth congas and other trifling instruments (which can been seen as a vile assault of the inheritance Chuck Schuldiner left to this world)to mask the musical incompetence of the rest of the band. Aiming for a “less band members in the mix is more music”-approach, producer Guido Aalbers (renowned for his collaboration with such world class acts as The Monolith Deathcult, Coldplay, Destiny’s Child, Live) will once again fulfil the tragic role of a conductor trying to check tickets of long-dead passengers on a disintegrating coach hurtling uncontrollably toward an inevitably dramatic train wreck. Read more on Last.fm. User-contributed text is available under the Creative Commons By-SA License; additional terms may apply.